Knock knock, it’s me!

I try to convince the whole world I am a writer, a singer, and a painter too, but usually in vain. My, D.G. Fulford-inspired, incoherent writing here may prove why.

If you and I are alike, you would have a set of people you care for – and 54 stuffed dolls. You would have a pair of fancy paint brushes and a big dent on your car. Your roots would be from Chennai, India. You would hate sports and everything to do with sports except for Fedex and Steffi Graf (what they play would be immaterial, as you would gladly watch even a whole day’s golf if they were playing).

If you and I are alike, you would breathe music. Your favorite instrument would be the keyboard, although, if asked now, you would rather say sitar just because it sounds mystifying.

If you and I are alike, you would pick Robert Grant, played by Jason Alexander in “Dunston Checks In” as your most adored character. Your favorite movie would be “Angels in the Outfield,” although “Scent of a Woman” would come a close second. You would have had a four-year-old crush on Clark Gable after watching “Gone with the Wind” when you were seven

If you and I are alike, all your friends would be best friends. You would not understand why you should have any other kind.

If you and I are alike, you would read like a book maniac. You would have a book collection you would die for. You would have a list of books you would kill for. You would have started collecting books after reading “Life of Pi.”

If you and I are alike, your favorite drink would be spiced buttermilk and your chocolate, Toblerone. You wouldn’t care for ornaments, but you would cherish dearly a few that belonged to your mom.You would believe goodness beats all other virtues hands down. No greatness without goodness, right?

If you and I are alike, you would insist you wish to listen to the raag Sahana – played by Sashank – while you die. You wouldn’t have anything against the other instrumentalists. You would just convince yourself that Sashank does it better. You would enjoy nothing more than a day at the beach. You would like a quiet car radio but a loud home.

If you and I are alike, you would always think you forgot something back home, and you always would go back to check it. You would consider yourself intense and serious and least charming. You would rather sulk than roar and be cold than be hot. You would hate to eat alone.

If you and I are alike, your favorite author would be Jeffrey Archer and your favorite painter, Rembrandt. You would have loved your grand-dad. You would have mourned his death but you would try to emulate his living.

If you and I are alike, you would really hate video games. You would like the pieces in Chess if they are made of wood. Your favorite holiday would be Christmas, but you would like Diwali too, as a festival. You would just love your cozy winter blanket. You would say “excuse me” when you sneeze even when you’re alone. The only movies watching which you would have cried are Anjali and Forrest Gump. You would hate award shows. Falsehood would make you bellow with rage. You would have nightmares about losing your teeth. You would be very sensitive, loyal, and faithful.

If you and I are alike, you wouldn’t get on a weighing machine even if it was the last bit of dry solid left in a shark-filled sea. Every time you go to a restaurant, you would order the same item. You would think rap music is funny.

If you and I are alike, you would love looking at hibiscus hedges. If someone tries to talk to you about calculations, investments, and insurance, your eyes would roll around backward in their sockets. When you turned 23, you would have considered adopting a child. But you wouldn’t have adopted one.

If you and I are alike, you would always hope to be rescued from artificiality. You would commend trust and healthy humor. You would savor good memories and wishes. You would try as hard as you could. You would deserve to be counted on, to be there in times of need.

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